Health

Almost one year 100% gluten free and while I am feeling all around better, I am still unable to gain weight. I feel frail, weak, and incapable too much. I feel like I am a failure, too. The security guard at work sometimes calls me flaca when I walk by. I think he means it as a compliment, but to me it’s just another person pointing out my weight, calling me “skinny,” just in a different language. And I hate it.

I wake up at night lately with a racing heartbeat and I get looping thoughts at the same time that seem to be connected but I have no idea what is triggering it. I find it harder to manage my stress lately than I did in the past. Things hit me more deeply.

The scar on my neck is still there and will probably always be visible, but it doesn’t bother me and my students have stopped asking about it. I started a new job since my surgery and I’m unsure of how I come across to others. I try to do my best to get them to see who I really am.

Even though my Synthroid dosage is “normal” I do have bad days related to the natural fluctuating caused by just being human. I wish I had a healthy thyroid, but I’m glad there are pills I can take so that I can still live without one, even if it’s horrible sometimes. It seems like a small price to pay.

When I walked through the door after not seeing my extended family for ten years, they said, “Oh, she looks the same.” I laughed because I really feel like my body has not grown, has not changed since I was 18 years old, and I can’t tell you how strange that feels. Very often I feel like I’m in the wrong body and there’s nothing I can do about it. I think about that a lot lately.

I am unable to eat the food served at staff lunches and parent events because of the gluten and I do feel like it drives a  wedge between me and others. Food is love and I can’t share in that. It hurts sometimes more than it probably should.

I would like to eventually feel like I am in a place where I can just go on with my day normally and not have this “coping” mentality related to my health that impacts everything I do, but I haven’t figured out that trick yet. I think the things that I list here are minor, and I truly have no right to complain. I hope this doesn’t sound like complaining. I think I’m lucky all things considered. I think I am just in the midst of a huge change to my life and I’m floating around in the water trying to figure out how to get up to the surface again.